Can you believe that? A musical version of "Sweet Bird of Youth."
- Who are they kidding? - Thank God, you wanted to leave.
Can you believe Madeline Ashton? Talk about waking the dead.
I gotta get a drink.
What do I see
That's the question I'm most afraid of
One that asks me what I'm really made of
What do I see
Much more than a reflection
A romance with sheer perfection
I see me I see me
Actress, woman star and lover
Sister, sweetheart slave and mother
I see me
And I like what I see
Virgin, temptress dream of others
Yes, it's me
- We see you - You mean me
Idol, goddess shameless hussy
Diva, princess lewd and lusty
She's sensational.
That's not me Can't be me
- Angel devil - You can trust me
Mon ami
I see
Whoo-whoo
Everywhere I look, baby all I see is
- A contradiction - Oh, come on
- A bad addiction - Knock it off
- Inspiration to a generation - Now you're talkin'
That's you
That's me
Wow!
Oh, boy!
Whoo!
Wrinkled, wrinkled little star...
hope they never see the scars.
Your guests are here, Miss Ashton.
A Miss Helen Sharp with a gentleman.
- Ahh. How's she look? - Who?
Helen, you idiot.
I don't know. Smart, I guess, sort of classy.
Classy? Really? Compared to whom?
Oh, shit.
Mad!
Hel!
- I don't believe it. - How are you?
- It's been so long. - I know.
Don't you dare say how long.
Mad, I'd like you to meet...
Dr. Ernest Menville, my fiance.
You were just wonderful.
Ernest Menville? Dr. Ernest Menville, the plastic surgeon?
- Yes. You were so terrific! - Ernest is quite a fan.
- I've read all about you. - That dance number. Boy, oh, boy.
- I can't believe I'm meeting you. - He never mentioned a Madeline thing.
- We're both huge fans. - I'm sure he doesn't have a... thing.
Do you?
Well, I'm so happy for you... both.
What ever happened to that, um, writing thing?
- Oh, well, um, I'm still trying. - Helen, don't be modest.
- She's a brilliant writer, Mrs. Ashton. - Miss.
Tell me, Doctor...
do you think that I'm starting to need you?
So...
have you two set a date?
- Yes... we have. - No, actually...
We see the upper eyelid skin incision...
from the medial canthus to the lateral orbital margin.
There are two fat compartments in the upper eyelid, three in the lower.
Oops. Look at all this bleeding.
Needle-tip cautery. Quickly, please.
For heaven's sake, Helen, it was a dinner.
The woman wanted my professional opinion.
Ernest, you don't know Madeline the way I do.
She wants you. She wants you because you're mine.
I've lost men to her before.
She just turns on that flash and that glitter and they're gone.
That's why I wanted you to meet her before we got married.
I just had to see if you could pass the Madeline Ashton test.
Please... Please, don't fail.
I couldn't take it again.
I don't know what I'd do.
Do you know how silly you're sounding?
Oh, darling,
I have absolutely no interest in Madeline Ashton.
Mrs. Helen Sharp? It's your landlord. Open the door, please.
I know you're in there!
I have your final eviction notice.
If you don't come out,
- I'm going to break the door. - What are you doing here?
I have the police. If you don't open, we're going to break the door.
- Well, speak! - I'm going to charge you for it too.
- Lady, let's go. - You heard what he said.
You're in trouble.
Come on. Open it!
Lady, listen. You have the right to remain silent.
If you give up the right to remain silent...
Are you nuts?
Come on. Get her outta here!
So...
what about you, Helen?
We haven't heard from you in a while.
Is there anything...
you'd like to... talk about... with the group?
Yes.
I would like to talk about...
Madeline...
Ashton.
Stop! Stop it! Stop!
No! No!
Is this where we are, Helen?
Six months of therapy. You're not one pound lighter.
And we are still talking about Madeline Ashton!
- You think I enjoy talking about her? - Do you think I enjoy it?
Is that what you think? You better think again!
Oh, Helen, for you to have a life,
for any of us to have a life,
you have got to forget about her.
You have to erase her from your mind.
- You have to completely eliminate any... - What?
You have to completely eliminate...
You're right.
What?
You're absolutely right.
Yes?
I have a delivery for Madeline Ashton and Dr. Ernest Menville.
Good morning, madam.
You look absolutely marvelous.
Hey, wait a minute.
Aren't you forgetting something?
- It's only Thursday. I'm supposed to... - Never mind.
I think I need you to say it every morning.
Very well.
Oh, madam, you look younger every day.
Thank you, Rose. Thank you very much.
It's so sweet... What is this?
Your tickets for Helen Sharp's book party.
They just came.
Helen Sharp's book party!
- "Forever Young"? - I like that title.
Oh, forever young! Right.
And eternally fat!
Oh, clever little witch. She sent seating assignments.
I find it very hard to believe...
that he got up early and made his side of the bed.
- No, madam. - So where did he sleep?
Again?
The beaver has always been of interest to man.
It is the second largest rodent in the world.
Dr. Menville?
Is this an angel I see before me?
- Dr. Menville, you're so cute. - Thank you, Rose.
Oh!
More vodka.
An outstanding characteristic of a beaver...
is the large, flat tail.
- Is it up yet? - Yes, sir.
It's in the bath.
Your beeper was beeping. It's Mr. Franklin again.
Rose! Oh, it's you.
Fine, dear, thank you. Like a rock.
You're dressed. Special occasion?
- Work. - Ghoul!
Dr. Menville, thank God.
- I'm sorry to call at the last minute. - Yes.
He's completely prepped. Our top staff have been summoned and are waiting.
Good, I'm sure he'll be fine. Just calm down.
Calm? I am calm. Everyone is calm here.
- Who is it? - Fernando Rivas, the actor.
He drowned in his hot tub. Very bloated, very swollen.
He was making love to his new fiancee.
Eighteen years old, from Cuba.
He's got this expression of happiness that is completely inappropriate.
Thank you, Mr. Franklin, we'll see if we can't give him a little character,
a little depth.
Depth? Oh, no, Dr. Menville, you can't give him any character or depth.
People have to recognize him.
- Good afternoon, Miss Ashton. - 3:00 with Anna.
Yes, I know. You may go down.
Miss Ashton, how are you? So good to see you!
Listen, I've got a really important party tonight.
Really important. You understand?
You will be the best one!
I have to be better than that.
I am sorry, but the plasma separation...
is a very traumatic process to the body!
Our policy clearly prohibits...
more than one in a six-month period.
So? It's been nearly that long already.
Miss Ashton, you had one three weeks ago.
- How about a nice collagen buff? - "A collagen buff"?
You might as well ask me to wash with soap and water!
Tonight is very important to me.
- I could do your makeup myself. - Makeup is pointless!
It does nothing anymore.
Are you listening to me? Do you even care?
You stand there with your 22-year-old skin and your tits like rocks...
and laugh at me.
Mmm.
I could pay you extra.
Something... on a personal basis.
You know what I mean? How about that?
Money is no object. It means nothing to me.
Ahem.
I'm sorry, Mr. Chagall. I'm really, really sorry.
Anna, don't talk, just go away.
Leave us alone, mmm?
- I don't want to look at you anymore. - Oh, okay.
Thank you so much.
Please.
- I suppose I should apologize. - Oh, no, no.
I am very sensitive to your torment.
- Excuse me? - But unfortunately we are mere mortals.
We are restricted by the... laws of nature.
Well, what more could one expect?
Mmm, mmm, that depends.
I could not help but overhear your little joke about money being no object.
- That was no joke! - I see.
I wonder, Miss Ashton,
if perhaps you have ever heard of...
Lisle Von Rhuman?
Ah... no.
No, of course you haven't. Very few have.
Only a select group.
She may be able to help you.
Here is her address.
She accepts callers day... and night.
Eh...
It is a very, very select group, you understand?
Sure.
I'm glad this happened, Miss Ashton.
We shall be seeing more of you, I think.
Yes, I think so.
Weirdo.
Could you just not breathe?
Jesus, what'd she do? Hire extras?
Good evening.
Evian, please. No ice.
- Dr. Menville? - Yes.
- Ernest Menville? - Yes.
- Hi, I'm Vivian Adams. - Hi, h-h-have we met?
Long ago. I never had a chance to thank you...
for the spectacular job you did with my Aunt Esther.
Oh, well, thank you very much.
Her color, her tone.
- You even brought out her cheekbones. - Well, that's my job.
It was almost a shame to bury her.
It's so sweet of you to say that.
Can I ask you what your secret is?
Spray paint.
You see, you can't just use regular makeup on dead skin.
The pores are too dry.
You've gotta use a palette and grind the stuff in.
One day I'm in the hardware store and I think, "What about mannequin paint?"
It's got its own chemical adhesive, comes in a variety of flesh...
Excuse me!
Have you seen her yet?
What a joke. She's not even here.
- Oh, look over there. - Wh...
Oh, looks as though she's lost a few pounds!
- We're leaving. - Nonsense. Let's go talk to her.
No. I'll talk to her.
I just want you to know that I am at your disposal.
You can call me day or night.
I did give you all my numbers?
Mad?
Hel!
I don't believe it!
Helen, darling, 12 years! 12 long years!
And look at you, you have a... waist.
Oh, you haven't changed.
Gosh, I'm glad you came. I didn't know if you would.
I spoke to my P.R. woman and she said,
"Madeline Ashton goes to the opening of an envelope."
Those people can be so cruel.
I fired her. Well, I almost fired her.
Well, that was sweet of you, dear.
- Would you mind? - Not at all.
- So, how's it been? - Heaven, it's absolute heaven.
- Ernest is a dream. - I'm so happy for you both.
I often thought to myself "I don't deserve this"...
because it came at your expense.
And that thought made me feel... terrible.
Listen, that was a long time ago.
You didn't steal him. He went to you.
It wasn't you. It was him.
I want you to know something.
I have never ever blamed you. Never!
- Do you believe how she looks? - How old is she?
- Fifty. - Fifty?
You've gotta be kidding.
I wonder what her secret is.
- Life has turned out as quite a party. - You used to hate parties.
That was when I was old. You should see me now.
I didn't know you were so unhappy.
Never could lie to you.
I know about the kind of... work you're doing now.
It's not work.
I would sell my soul to be able to operate again.
- Oh, Helen, I've wasted my life. - No, Ernest.
She's wasted you.
She married a brilliant surgeon...
and turned him into an undertaker.
I want you to know something.
I have never blamed you for leaving me.
I always knew it was her.
She's a woman.
A woman, Ernest.
From Newark, for God's sakes.
I will never forgive her for what she's done to you.
Never.
Dakota!
Oh!
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
I didn't know you were coming over.
- Oh, my God, you're not alone. - Of course I am.
- I'm completely alone. - Dakota?
Actually, completely isn't quite what I meant.
- How dare you make me feel cheap! - Madeline, I forgot.
- She's here to... She's here to fix... - Who is she?
- I'm trying to tell you... - Who is the little piece of meat?
She's a friend of, of, the guy who was here to...
- Jesus, at least lie quickly! - I am trying to.
Look, you gotta believe me. This is perfectly innocent.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm sick of this shit, you know that?
- I am doing you a favor here. - Doing me a favor?
- I gave you... - Yeah, you gave, I gave. Big deal!
Somebody told me we look ridiculous together.
How do you think that makes me feel?
You never think about my feelings.
Go find someone your own age, Madeline!
Madeline! I need to speak to Madeline at once!
No.
Madeline. I need to speak to Madeline at once!
Yeah.
Geez.
- Good evening. I hope it's not too... - Not at all, Miss Ashton.
Miss Von Rhuman's expecting you.
She is?
Wait here, please.
Follow me, please.
Excuse me.
I hoped you'd come.
Make some room for my friend, for Christ's sake!
But...
keep your ass handy.
May I say that I've always thought yours...
to be one of the most beautiful faces...
ever to grace the silver screen.
Oh.
And that husband of yours,
I can only say that his reputation is unsurpassed.
Oh.
I just arrived in town. I follow the spring.
I haven't seen an autumn or winter in years.
We are creatures of the spring, you and I.
Uh-huh. I'm not really quite sure why I came.
You're scared as hell... of yourself,
of the body you thought you once knew.
I beg your pardon?
I am the one who understands.
I am the one who knows your secret.
Who is it?
Madeline. I need to speak to Madeline.
She's not here.
Ah, thank God!
How did you get in? I didn't hear the gate.
I didn't want you to hear.
Ernest, ask me to go.
Ask me to leave this house immediately!
- You just got here. - I know, I know.
But it just took me a glimpse and I was back where I started.
Where's that?
- Don't pretend you're not aware of it. - Of what?
You're a powerful sexual being, Ernest.
I am?
Yes, you are.
If I never told you before, it's because...
I wasn't the sort of girl that could say the word...
"sexual" without blushing.
Well, I can now.
Sexual.
Sensual.
Sexy.
Sex.
Sex!
So warm, so full of life.
And already it ebbs away from you.
This is life's ultimate cruelty.
It offers us the taste of youth and vitality...
and then makes us witness our own decay.
Well, it is the natural law.
Screw the natural law!
What is that?
What you came for.
A touch of magic...
in this world obsessed with science.
A tonic.
A potion.
What does it do?
How old would you guess I am?
I wouldn't...
Come on. Don't try to flatter me.
Thirty eight.
Oh, twenty eight. Twenty... three?
I am seventy-one years old.
That's what it does.
It stops the aging process dead in its tracks...
and forces it into retreat.
Drink that potion and you'll never grow even one day older.
Don't drink it... and continue to watch yourself rot.
How much is it?
The sordid topic of coin...
I'm afraid is not so simple.
The cost, you see, it's different for everyone.
Well, for me, how much?
Well, thank you very much. I think I should be going.
Sit!
Hold out your hand.
What are you, nuts?
Watch.
Check okay?
Fine.
But you must make me a promise.
The secret that we share must never become public.
You may continue your career for ten years,
ten years of perfect, unchanged beauty.
But at the end of that time, before people become suspicious,
you have to disappear from public view forever.
You can retire.
You can stage your own phony death...
or...
as one of my clients simply said,
"I vant to be alone, yah."
No! She's not!
Wow!
Bottoms up.
- Now, a warning. - Now, a warning?
Take care of yourself.
You and your body are going to be together a long time.
Be good to it.
Siempre viva. Live forever.
I can't believe... Did you...
Oh... I'm a girl!
Shh.
Ernest, oh, we gotta stop.
I know we... I know we...
Really, Ernest. Oh.
Ernest, don't be angry with me.
I'm fighting this as hard as I can, but just...
Look at you!
She's already destroyed your career.
Now she's breaking your heart,
stealing your pride,
flaunting her lovers...
all over town.
You know about that?
Everyone does.
At the party, people spoke of nothing else.
How can you love me, Helen?
I've been so weak for so long.
I should've divorced Madeline a long time ago.
By God, that is exactly what I am going to do!
The first thing tomorrow morning,
I am gonna go downtown and obtain a divorce from Madeline Ashton.
- Ernest? - Monday. At the very least Tuesday.
Divorce? In California?
That's exactly what she wants you to do.
You have no talent for poverty.
You can't let her get away with that.
Then there's nothing I can do.
Oh, yes, there is.
Listen to me, Ernest.
I've thought this through carefully, and it's the only way.
Tonight, while she's asleep, you'll sneak downstairs quietly,
and take one of each kind of wine glass from the shelf.
Then you'll take this Narconal...
and lightly coat each glass.
As you know, Narconal is a very powerful alcohol-base tranquilizer,
so you won't need much.
Tomorrow, I'll call Madeline to say good-bye.
- I'll get her to invite me to dinner. - Why don't you come to dinner?
Then, at dinner, we propose a toast.
No matter which glass she drinks from,
Narconal will be on the glass.
You and I work together. First, we finish dinner.
Then we load her in the car, take her to the top of Mulholland Drive,
call the police and report we've seen a drunk woman swerving close to the edge.
Some drunk woman up here on Mulholland's swerving dangerously close to the edge.
We'll sit her up in the driver's seat...
and make it look like she's had...
just a little bit too much to drink.
We drop the car into gear,
wedge her foot down on the accelerator,
clamp her hands on the steering wheel...
and send her on her way.
By the time they perform the autopsy,
the Narconal will be completely dissolved,
leaving only traces of alcohol.
She'll be classified as just another drunk driver.
- They'll check her blood alcohol... - Point four-0. She had it coming.
...and think nothing more of it.
The case is closed. Madeline is dead.
And we're free!
What are we saying?
- We can't go through with this, Helen. - It's the only way.
After she's gone,
you can start your life all over again.
I can start my life all over again.
Oh, we'll be so happy!
She's killing you.
So... it would be self-defense.
Self-defense.
My God, it's back!
We have to talk.
- Have another drink and go to bed. - You'd like that.
You'd like to see me drink myself into an early grave.
That is not going to happen, by God!
- You are not going to take my money! - What are you talking about?
When was the last time you worked, Madeline? A real job?
Anything you had left, you owed me a long time ago. Your face owed me.
You've changed your hair?
What an eye.
Don't wait up.
Cheap.
What did you say?
I called you cheap. That's what I think of you.
Who do you think you're talking to?
You're a cheap, tacky little tramp.
Who do you think you are?
- Nothing like the woman I married. - You're nothing!
- You're a broad! - You're a tragic, boozy, flaccid clown.
- Watch it, Madeline. - That's it. Flaccid.
- Watch what you say. - Flaccid.
I don't have to take this any longer!
You'll take everything I have to give! You always have.
You're not even a man anymore. And I need a man!
A real man, not some drunken, broken-down flaccid undertaker...
who is just as dead below the waist as his clients are.
Hey, I might have more fun with one of your clients!
At least I'd know I'd be getting something stiff...
Did you think that I was just going to take it forever, Madeline?
Did you?
You cruel, vicious, loathsome bitch!
Please? Please?
Oh, God! Oh!
- Madeline, I'm so sorry. - Oh, help me! Help me!
Hurry!
Help me! Hurry up, you wimp!
Oh, boy.
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Oh, boy!
Suite 1110, please.
Helen, it's me, Ernest Menville! I did it!
I didn't think I'd be able to, but I did it!
I pushed her down the stairs. She is absolutely stone cold.
She was saying the most monstrous things and she's dead.
I just had this feeling inside of me that I couldn't contain.
We're free, Helen. But I'm afraid I'm gonna burn in hell.
Her neck is broken and there's no pulse and she's dead.
Exactly which part of the plan were you unclear on?
- We went over it three times, Ernest. - You don't understand.
- Ernest, we went over it three times. - You don't understand.
It just happened. It was an accident.
It's better than an accident. At least it's gonna look like an accident.
- Have you called the police? - No, I called you first.
Ernest, you... poor, sweet thing.
If the police check the phone records, don't you think it'll look unusual...
- That you called me before them? - Oh, my God.
- You're right. - Of course I'm right!
- Should I call them right now? - No.
We have to decide what you're going to say first.
- Well? - I'm thinking.
Okay, I've got it. Where's the body?
- At the foot of the stairs. - Good. Don't move her.
- Soon as we hang up, call the police. - Okay.
Tell them you were on the phone with me when you heard a terrible scream.
You turned around and saw Madeline fall down the stairs.
- Right. Perfect. - Stick to that story.
If they check the phone records, it'll confirm what you told them.
- Got it. - What about the time of death?
- Could they prove the call came after? - No, no.
It's very difficult to determine time of death within a few hours.
- It's not an exact science. - Ernest? Ernest!
Ernest, you pushed me down the stairs!
Stay away from me!
You bet I will! Animal! Psycho!
- Don't come near me. - Wife pusher!
Don't come near me, follow me or talk to me.
I don't intend to.
I just have to make a telephone call.
9-1-1, right?
You're in the shit house now, pal!
Madeline, look at yourself!
- Huh? - Look at yourself!
Ernest!
My ass!
I can see... my ass!
- Something's wrong with your neck too. - I would say so.
I would friggin' well say so!
Oh! Are you okay, honey?
Yeah. Oh.
Ernest...
what's wrong with me?